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Dollar Hunt/Transcript
walks onto a stage in his backyard. Clarence: announcing Hello, everyone, thank you for coming. Welcome to the third annual daily dollar hunt. Brought to you by the Clarence group. Jeff the ref will now lay down the law of the game. Jeff: Okay. Well, it's not annual. This is the first time we've done it. The rules are pretty simple. There's a dollar hidden in the yard, and whoever finds it gets to keep it. Any questions? Crendle: Where's my mom? Blaide: Oh, um, bus, uh, home? Malakevin: Nobody knows the true worth of a man. Jeff: Clarence, these kids look like they might sue us. We should have them sign waivers. Clarence: Nah. These kids have kind faces the kind that I trust for no good reason. Besides, this is the best turnout we've had in years! Jeff: But the Clarence group has never done this before. Clarence: Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines! Crendle: If we find the money, who gets to keep it? Jeff: You do. Crendle: Why? Clarence: 'Cause it's fun! Malakevin: Life is but a dance of triumph and tragedy. Clarence: Sure, you can dance. Let the dollar hunt begin! blows the air horn in the microphone. All of them groan and cover their ears. Clarence tries to stop the air horn. Jeff: Clarence, turn it off! three of them run off. Clarence puts the air horn in his shorts, then sits down and the noise stops. Clarence: Let the hunt begin! say "The hunt begins", then flames pop up, revealing the three looking for the dollar. looks under some rocks, Blaide finds a ceramic frog on the window sill. He puts it back to still find the dollar, and Malakevin naws on Jeff's shoe and Jeff tries to make him let go. Then, Sumo arrives with a leaf blower. Clarence: Oh, yeah. Sumo's in charge of creating obstacles. uses the leaf blower on a shrub, revealing Crendle hiding. Crendle starts wailing. Sumo: Hey, hey, you're okay, buddy. Just... Just breathe. he uses it on chairs revealing Blaide hiding. Malakevin gets in the way. Malakevin: Sic semper tyrannis! Blaide: Uh, please. Lost. Bus? Clarence: That's right, buddy. Just keep looking for that dollar. Mary: Clarence! tries to open the slide door. Mary: Come on. walks to his mom Mary: Don't forget, I'm making casserole for my book club tonight. Clarence: Mom, look! The dollar hunt is a huge success! Everyone's having a great time. and Malakevin fight over the leaf blower. Clarence: Yep. Mary: Clarence, hello! I'm leaving to get my hair done now. Do you still have that twenty dollar bill I gave you for groceries? Clarence: Way ahead of you, mom. I got the list right here and the twenty dollars right here. actually holding a one dollar bill. Mary: All right. That's good, sweetheart. I'm dependin' on you. Love you, bye, gotta go, love you, bye. Clarence: Aw, geez. walks to the stage to Jeff. Clarence: Jeff? Jeff: Yeah? Clarence: You remember that one dollar bill that I said I buried? Jeff: What did you do? Clarence: Well, I might have sort of buried a twenty dollar bill instead. Jeff: You mean the one your mom gave you to buy groceries to make the casserole for her book club tonight while she's getting her hair done? Clarence: Yep, that's the one. Sumo: Don't tell anyone, we can still switch it back. Crendle: Don't tell anyone what? speaks in the microphone. Clarence: That I buried a twenty dollar bill instead of a one dollar bill. Oops! You didn't hear that. Crendle: Twenty dollars?! Hot dog! Blaide: Oh, twenty! Ahh! Malakevin: Twenty dollars? 'Tis my destiny. digs in the dirt with his hands, Blaide shakes a tree. Clarence: Wait. No. Everybody stop the hunt! Stop the hunt! Jeff: Unfortunately, the rules say the hunt can only stop when the money is found. Clarence: Who made these horrible rules?! Jeff: Oh, well, that doesn't matter because you know where the money is, right? Clarence: Um... Jeff: Right? Clarence? uses the leaf blower again. uses the vent from the house to find the dollar, but gets stuck in his arm, then he uses it breaking the bird bath, and the ceramic frog. Blaide bends down on his knees in shock that the frog is broken. use the leaf blower on the shrub, Crendle uses the shovel and catapults himself and lands on the ground. Clarence still finds the dollar. Jeff: Don't tell me you can't remember where you hid the money. Clarence: Okay. I won't. Eggs... Jeff: Clarence! A mother's trust is a sacred bond. You can't fail her! Retrace your steps! looks at his feet and takes steps. Jeff: No! Retrace them in your mind. Clarence: My mind? enter Clarence's nostril, seeing him with a TV, searching the memories on where the dollar is. The first memory shows him shoving towels off of the table. Then the next one shows him pulling a fire hydrant. The third one shows him in a chicken nest. The fourth one is where he uses lipstick on his face. Mary: Hey, hey, Clarence, have you seen my lipstick? Clarence: No. fifth on shows him playing with a doll made out of meat. Clarence: You're a cute little dickens, aren't you, salami-me? Chad: Hey, Clarence, what you doing in there, buddy?! Clarence: Nothing! Run! throws the meat doll to his bed. sixth on shows him on a coat hook with him hanging on a white shirt. Clarence: Stop making sense, making s... Whoa! falls. seventh one shows him burying the dollar bill. Clarence: I know where it is now. walks out the chicken coop. Clarence: I buried it over by the tree... three run to the tree. Clarence: Mouth, you clumsy dork. three dig a hole to find the dollar, but they find a toy bunny with a saxophone. Clarence: Jazzy Jake, your batteries still work! Jeff: Clarence, stay focused. Where's the money? Clarence: Uh, it may be sort of It's right here. Actually, it's right here. Of course the grassy knoll. dig the spot, but finding the meat doll. Clarence: gasps Salami-me! Hey, who bit you? Blaide: This yours, money? holds the twenty dollar bill, Clarence turns around and runs to him. Clarence: Oh, good job! runs to him in slow motion. normal speed, Malakevin takes the dollar. Clarence: Aw, dang it! runs up to the roof of the chicken coop. Malakevin: Andrew Jackson was a cannibal! Look it up! rips the twenty dollar bill in half and eats it. Malakevin: The drones are coming! Huh! rolls off the roof and over the fence. Clarence: I wonder if that's true. Later... Clarence: sighs I just wanted to show everybody a good time by making them hunt for money, but now my mom won't get her casserole thing. She'll probably get fired out of her book club or something. How could I be so reckless? Her life is ruined now. Jeff: We could just ask my mom to make a casserole. She's got nothing but free time. Clarence: No, Jeff. I screwed this up myself. Now I gotta screw it down myself. But how can we buy all that stuff without any money? Sumo: Ah, we don't need all that stuff. One time my brothers made a birthday cake out of sponges and shaving cream. Best cake I ever had. Clarence: That's it. takes a pause That's it! We'll just make a casserole out of stuff we already got. the kitchen, he opens the pantry. Clarence: Look. We got plenty of stuff in here. We got sardines, ketchup, olives, milk of magnesia, cat food, dog food, bird food, cereal, cereal, cereal, hot-dog buns, thin mint gum, muffin wrappers, hot sauce, super hot sauce... Jeff: I don't think the recipe calls for any of that stuff. Clarence: ...floor, ceiling, wall, carpet, shelf, other shelf, more shelves, roof, house, friends... Jeff: Now you're just listing things. Sumo: Come on, come on, get your head in the game. next scene shows Clarence putting a glass tray on the counter. Jeff: So, we need are two tablespoons of baking soda. Sumo: We've got grape soda. Clarence: Perfect. pours the soda in the tray. Jeff: Uh... That's more then two tablespoons. Clarence: Some is good, more's better. Next! Jeff: Do we have any cheese? Sumo: Uh... we've got mac and cheese. Clarence: Even better. pours the macaroni in the tray, then he opens the bag of dehydrated cheese. He licks the cheese off his lips. Clarence: Mmm, cheesy. Jeff: We don't have that or that or that. Ooh, we have eggs. and Sumo take eggs out of the chicken coop. Jeff: OK. Two cloves of garlic, finely chopped. Sumo: Potato flakes. pours them in. Clarence: We've gotta speed this up! Jeff: Four scallions, sliced. Clarence: Four jelly beans, squished. slides the jelly beans in the tray. Jeff: Do you have a paring knife? Sumo: I've got a can of pears. pours the pears in. Jeff: One pound ground maple pork sausage. chuckles Try saying that five times fast. One pound ground maple pork sausage. One pound ground maple pork sausage. Jeff gets distracted, they put random items in the casserole. Jeff: One pound ground maple pork sausage. One pound ground maple pork sausage! One pound ground maple pork sausage! that... Clarence: Alright, let's get this baby in the oven. Okay, lift on three, rest on seven, and put it in the oven on ten. and Sumo lift the tray. Clarence: Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... opens the oven. Clarence: ...6, 7, 8, 9, 10! close the oven. Clarence: Now, gentlemen, get close to his face. Clarence: we wait. wait for the casserole to finish cooking. Jeff gets out of the shower. Jeff: We should clean up this mess before your mom gets home. Clarence: Wow, cool. Yeah, yeah. Wait a second. Whoa! Sumo: Yum, yum. Give me some. Clarence: Okay, cleanup time. Just grab some paper towels and throw them down on everything. Mary: Clarence, I'm so late. Did you get the g... gasps hairdo changes back to her old one. sees the kitchen a mess. Clarence: Oh, hey, mom! Mary: Clarence, what have you done?! Clarence: We made your casserole? Mary: But this mess! My book club is coming in 20 minutes! arrive. Sumo: Hey, they're early! Mary: Ohh! Jeff: No worries, it's done! takes out the casserole. Mary groans. Clarence: chuckles Flavor bubbles. during the book club, Mary turns pages. Mary: I Yeah, I think, uh, the flower was melancholy because, uh, it, uh, wanted to grow more? Ya kn... Um... Ms. Murderburger: Ha! Funny joke, Mary! Woman: Yeah, so funny. Mary: Laughs Yeah. I'm pretty funny. the kitchen... Sumo: takes a drink Man, she's drowning out there. Clarence: And we're her pool noodles. Come on, guys, there's no time to lose. Jeff: But your mom said stay in here. Sumo: Jeff, you heard him! Come on! Clarence: Who wants casserole? puts the casserole on the table. Jeff gives a woman a slice of casserole. The woman takes a bite. Sumo: Sumo: Well, go ahead. Elder Woman: Oh, uh, thank you. takes a bite. Clarence: This one's for you, Mrs. Murderburger. Compliments of the chef my mom. gives Mary a wink. Murgerburger takes a bite of the casserole. Elder Woman: What do you think? enter Ms. Murderburger's nostril, seeing her with a projector, showing a memory. Ms. Murderburger narrating: I suddenly remember in Munich, I tasted a casserole made by the mad sculptor Warwick Xylander. Warwick: Voulez-Vous avec croissant... Ms. Murderburger: It was so unique, so complex, so glorious, it made me want to weave my own flesh into a hammock. cut back to the present. Ms. Murgerburger: This casserole is far better! maniacally two women nod. The elder woman vomits in her purse. Mary: Clarence, I don't know how you do it. Clarence: Well, I will gladly tell you, mom. Sometimes when you're on a dollar hunt, you find one dollar. Sometimes you find two dollars. And sometimes you find... a million dollars! now see the house's backyard at night time. Mary: You're probably right, Clarence. cut to a hole in the backyard. Crendle: Hello? Is anyone there? I think I'm stuck. Help! Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1